Stat book in the Car:
Pre-Draft Preview.
Greetings!! For those of you who have been in this exercise in time wasting that we refer to as a league, welcome back. For those of you who are new to the league, where have you been all our lives? In another lifetime I once wrote a few lines here and there about the state of the league, occasionally commented upon trades and more frequently made bold, bold predictions about who'd win and who'd lose in the upcoming season. My ramblings came to be known as 'The Stat book in the Car'---the joke being that I would frequently answer questions with the response that "My stat book's in the car". Enough of the intro however: prodded out of retirement, I present you the 2009 edition of Stat book in the Car's pre-draft preview.
We now have the order of our upcoming inaugural 2009 (to be named) league draft and baseball extravaganza. I'll run down the GMs in the league from 20 to 1 and give some background of each owner to help everyone get to know each other a bit.
20. Eric Ulm. One of our original owners, Eric runs the Henderson Housemartins which are curiously named after a fictional British band who enjoyed singing about football (soccer to you and me) and 'chips'. Henderson is a suburb of Las Vegas, but far enough away that the actual excitement of the strip so as to ensure that no actual excitement is present within the limits of Henderson. The Housemartins draw a fairly docile crowd consisting primarily of retirees and aged cocktail waitresses. The Housemartin brain trust made a decision early on to build a park that would not in any way over-stimulate their fragile patrons, as a result Heaton Park is known league wide as a pitching paradise. Who knows what direction the 'Martins will take in building their new stadium, but the 80-somethings who are the bulk of the team's fans are looking for more of the same. A word of warning: no one will tell you this, but Eric has a monster of a temper----do NOT cross this man.
19. Ed Rauscher is also an original owner who took a two year sabbatical mid-decade to teach folk-dancing to ex-Cuban exiles in southern Florida. Having achieved his goals in the sunshine state Ed returned to central Illinois and the Really Rottens. The Rottens from day one have clung to a simple philosophy: if you walk, if you whiff and if you smack homers you have a home here. Ed and Eric are largely responsible for the rebirth of this league into whatever it is we're about to enter into, so Kudos to you two.
18. Ryan Sullivan. I have no idea who this is. From context clues I gather that his name is Ryan---I wonder if he was named after Nolan Ryan? Probably not. Other famous Ryans include Ryan Klesko, Ryan O'Neal and Ryan Seacrest. Pretty much every other Ryan sucks. Sullivan is a name of honor and integrity (which makes me wonder why someone would ruin it with Ryan); a Sullivan was largely responsible for the majesty of the loop in Chicago, a Sullivan wrote many catchy Broadway tunes (not that I'm in to that)... I'm sure that there are other interesting Sullivans although none are coming to mind. Good luck Ryan Sullivan---if that is your name.
17. Shane Pullen. Shane lives in Arizona if you believe what you hear. No one has actually seen Shane since 2002, so it's entirely conceivable that the person that we knew as 'Shane Pullen' is no longer among the living and has been replaced by someone who took over the life that once was Shane's---judging by some of the offers that some GMs receive from this fake Shane Pullen, I think that the imposter is in fact a space alien. Shane is undoubtedly excited by the fact that the draft starts fro him at 5 or 6 am (those Arizonans never really know what time it is). In any case, Shane if you are who you say you are, welcome back...if you are in fact a pod-person from Andromeda, well Nano-Nano to you.
16. Jay Crawford. Jay inexplicably resides in Buffalo New York.
Paul Abbott.
15. Matt Rauscher. Matt used to spend time on fake baseball when he wasn't fighting fake dragons as a fake wizard, but other fake callings called and he quit the league after decimating any future his franchise might ever have. Matt, intrigued at the opportunity to be Central Illinois's version of Jeff Loria, has rejoined the league and hopes to destroy the hopes and dreams of another team's fandom. Matt is an amiable trade partner whose primary goal each season is to shed half of his opening day roster by July.
Interesting tidbit: Matt once cut his lengthy mullet for a C-Note.
14. Jeremy Partney chooses to live in Missouri---a sad sack of a state that even Grandpa Simpson refuses to acknowledge. Jeremy is an example of that all too common breed of baseball fan know as Cardinal Fanus Moronicus. This particular fan is identified by their smug exterior, their infatuation for small white infielders in the middle of their mediocre 3-5 year career (see Hart, Bo) and their love for yellow fucking pizza. I've been assured that Jeremy won't be evangelizing his Miz-ur-ah 'lifestyle' while at the draft, but I for one will be vigilant and will not stand for any rhapsodizing of Ted Drewes.
13. Chris Feld is an asshole who should be avoided at all costs. Feld is an original owner who has a reputation of a wheeler-dealer. Some of his better deals include sending Barry Bonds packing the winter before he hit 73 bombs and trading Mariano Rivera prior to his historic '08 where he posted the third best whip in the history of the sport. This franchise has pompously located itself off-world from time to time first on Alpha Centauri and once on Sirius...mysteriously the club has most recently been found in Chatham Illinois.
12. Darren McMasters is an asshole who should be avoided at all costs. McMasters heads the oddly named BatLamp franchise and has presided over teams great and terrible. The 'Lamps, as their fan calls them, are an erratic squad of malcontents, rabble-rousers and bullpen suckage. The 'Lamps have been known to cut off their nose to spite their face---no other outfit in the league would take the detour away from victory in the pursuit of a single player quite like the BatLamps are capable of doing.
Quick Note: Darren's a bully.
11. Mitch Cronister is obviously a fake name. No one could be named 'Mitch Cronister'. First of all 'Mitch' is more like the name of a villain in a 1980's John Hughes' Movie (see McCloskey, Leigh) than it is a 'real' person. Cronister?? What's that, the name of a third rate Swiss watch? I'm assuming that Eric is using this 'Mitch Cronister' fiction for sinister purposes...I can see it now: with the eleventh pick in the draft 'Mitch Cronister' (who is strangely absent and is only reachable by Eric's computer) takes Leapin' Lenny Harris. Of course if Mitch Cronister is an actual person he is uniquely positioned to screw me royally every other round...so in conclusion I'd say that Mitch Cronister is a hard worker, a loyal husband and all around fine person.